It’s been 43 hours since Ian left. I am still not ready to face my life…my life in Thailand, to be exact.
My thoughts keep repeating: I don’t belong here anymore.
I am at the point where my reality feels unreal.
My real life is in my fiancé’s arms.
I’m supposed to be cheery. This last visit marks the final leg of this K1 journey. In a few months, I will finally be with my love for good. We will never be apart again. But I’m not exactly feeling like Missus Positivus today.
I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m blaming it on the fact that after 10 days together, I got so used to Ian being here. I wrote him a poem earlier and in it, I expressed my melancholy…
It’s only hours from your departure
And even the skies in Bangkok
Cry tears of grief
Your absence has sucked
The life out of my city
I know…I know…I can be overly dramatic sometimes. Or hormonal.
There’s something different about this last visit though, aside from (but possibly related to) it being the last. I feel like this time I am bluntly refusing to feel all of the agony of longing. I cried so much before Ian even left, so maybe that’s why I didn’t have any more tears to spill after coming back from the airport.
Ah! The train trip back to the hotel – always the worst part of Ian’s every visit.
This time, I managed to scribble a note aboard the coach:
It’s 9pm and you must be boarding your plane now. I’m at the basement level of the airport, waiting for the next train to arrive.
I am safe. Don’t worry about me (although that’s impossible for you not to do). I’m a big girl and I will take good care of myself-I can handle it.
So this is it! We’ve come to the last leg …three exciting, exhilarating and extraordinary visits. We have definitely made tons of memories that will last a lifetime. I want to thank you, with all my heart, for everything you’ve done to make these visits possible. And of course, for all the things you did while you were here. You have made me feel very special in countless ways.
Absolutely special! Years back, I used to wonder: How do you know when the person you’re with truly cares about you and cherishes you? I never found the answers until I met Ian. I know now, even without putting so much though into it, I am truly deeply madly loved. I feel it in every word that comes out of his mouth, every little lazy croon of endearment, every single touch and breath…
I am secure. He makes certain I feel that way every day.
On my end, I am equally and irrevocably in love with him, powerfully so.
Have you ever thought of being in, or staying in a relationship just for the sake of it? Have you ever felt like keeping it the way it is because, after all, it was a good-enough set-up for you?
It’s not the most wonderful thing in the world. But some say, you won’t really know the difference until you are in a relationship where both partners are truly crazy and craves for each other, respects, trusts and values each other like they would themselves, admires and adores each other and expresses said admiration and adoration for each other through words, actions, etc. It’s elusive, this seemingly ideal thing I am talking about, but it’s not impossible to have it. It does happen to mere mortals like us. Once you have it, you’ll be wise enough to follow Christina Perri’s example:
“I will be brave I will not let anything
What’s standing in front of me”
The PA announced the train’s arrival to Makkasan Station…less than 13 days ago, Ian and I got off at this stop to go to our hotel. That place is special to us because it’s the same place we stayed the first time Ian came here. Being in its lobby, rooms and dining hall once more was reminiscent of our very first few moments as a couple…It was in this place that we first said the three little words that made us both the happiest people in the world that minute…
(more of this in TRUE LOVE TRAVEL LOGS…Coming Soon!)
20 minutes after my departure from the airport, I was still sitting in the little corner I found inside the train. I kept writing:
“Your plane is probably flying back now. I pray for a safe flight for you my love. Know that I am always sending positive thoughts your way.
Darling, I already long for you, even though we were together only a few minutes ago.”
It’s almost silly how I could miss him already when we were together only a few minutes ago. Silly, yes, but ironically it’s more sad than silly, how Farewells are.
You say goodbye with the promise that you will see each other soon…as if the promises will make it less painful. It doesn’t. But they give hope. It’s almost like grimacing a smile, or swallowing a bitter pill that you know would heal you and end your suffering…Thankfully, his farewell kisses (like the Pina Colada I had back when we frolicked on the beautiful island of Koh Samed), were sweet, full of promise, with a burst of salt from my tears…they were a reprieve.
“Parting is such sorrow, but your warm embraces and loving whispers are sweet sugar cubes to our otherwise bitter cup.”
But I know Ian and I know each other more than anybody else does. Our love transcends. I am connected to him and he is connected to me no matter how far apart: We are two photons entangled.
“I am pressing my lips, savoring the memory of your last few kisses: quick but passionate still, urgent but not any less meaningful, a public display which yet delivers a secret only our two hearts will understand…”
Yes. I truly believe you my love. We will see each other soon.